Back in 2014 I was 20 years old starving to take on the world. I had been training Muay Thai for a little less than a year and on my way to the MotherLand of Muay Thai. Which is Thailand for anyone who doesn’t know. I was a little nervous but at the same time beyond excited for what this journey had to offer.
The training I endured during this 2 months stay was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The 2 times a day and 6 days a week training schedule completely broke me down mentally and physically and fully rebuilt me in preparation for fight day. I went 3-0 under a world class training during my stay. I was at an all time high in my life coming home from what appears to be my biggest accomplishment in my entire life up to this point.
Little did I know this all time high was coming to an end quickly. As I was adjusting back to the Muay Thai scene in America I ended up going on a Multiple fight losing streak and my so called "Confidence" was beginning to evaporate into thin air.
What I never realized along the way was how identified I had become as a "Professional Muay Thai Fighter". Even though I never flaunted or rubbed my achievements in anyone’s face. On a more subtle subconscious level I thought my achievements were better than most peoples. I had no idea this whole time I had been fueling my "Ego" with absolutely no awareness towards it. The Ego being my false sense of self.
I had a lot of insecurities growing up as a child. From playing football in high school and being the smallest kid, and warming the bench to living in a household of addicts and alcoholics for the first 17 years of my life. I felt like I was never good enough, fast enough, smart enough, handsome enough to achieve anything worth while in life. So when Muay Thai came around I did have some pure intentions why I wanted to train but honestly it was mainly to seek the approval of my Father and Uncle. I wanted to gain Respect from them and be viewed as a tough badass.
December 11, 2016 came and I had a snowboarding accident that led to a broken collarbone injury that left me out of training for a solid 3 months. From being injuries and also being on a multiple fight losing streak. My life completely was shattered and fell apart. I felt at the time I was nothing without the label of being a fighter but also identified with being a shitty fighter. I fell into depression and became addicted to prescription pills. Jumped right back onto the wagon of partying which eventually led me to my bottom with heroin addiction a little less than a year later.
I never found the true self growing up even as I entered into that first Muay Thai gym. That being said I also was never raised on a solid foundation. And the way I viewed life was based off the material world to gauge my success. How much money I made, physical shape, being able to fight, girls liking me, the vehicle I drove, and where I lived. I never thought success in life was determined completely by how I feel on the inside, the quality of my relationships, and the level of authentic fulfillment I am able to achieve on a daily basis.
Today is much different. I’m not saying I completely know who I am but I’m definitely on a path to define that. I have been sober for a little over 5 years from drugs and alcohol. And when you have little to lean on on in life you are kind of forced to figure out who you are and what you stand for. After finding a mentor and going through many personal inventories and getting out all my deepest and darkest secrets on paper and to another person. This was the relief I had been longing for my entire life. I had been looking for Freedom the whole time. Not Freedom for myself but Freedom from myself.
Identity is a real crisis in this world and it will completely destroy your life if you don’t start to figure out who you are with absolutely nothing. I’m not saying you have to go live in a Monastery with the Monks to figure this out but it does require daily effort. Daily effort to change the way you think and engage with life in all forms. From your relationships with significant other, family, friends, or even co workers who we spend a lot of our time with. When we think our true identity is what we have or what we do we will always be in conflict in these areas. You see, when we are completely consumed with our identity we will always be fueled by a level of unsatisfactory. We will be in a constant state of always wanting, controlling, anger, resentment, blaming and indifference. That is no place of success I don’t care how much money you make.
If you don’t know how to approach this topic with a solution to detach from your identify here is a solution. This is called the "HOW" method. Which is being Honest, Open-Minded, and Willing. First be honest with self enough to figure out there is an issue and we aren’t living at our best. Second we need to be open-minded to reading books, listening to podcast, therapy, and mentorship from others to change the way we think and engage with the world. And third we need to be willing to apply the certain action that is required for finding Freedom from yourself not necessarily for yourself. Also it is incredibly important to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Continue updating yourself and evolving with the times we are in. Our human capacity to learn is infinite. So never let up on this journey and continue to challenge yourself in ways you don’t want to but know will increase your level of productivity and fulfillment at the end of the day. If you live easy today you will live hard tomorrow. If you live hard today you will live easy tomorrow. Remember this is a daily reprieve. We can only reap the benefits of what we consistently do today. What we did last week or month can build positive momentum but it really doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is what you do today. Stay blessed guys 🙏🏼